It’s disconcerting. The world out there, through this window. There’s a strange heat. I had to stop for a few moments. Even with a problem that is affecting so many people in such a tough way, the personal thought continues. How does everyone’s life fit into this? In what way does my story makes sense? The world stopped. Stopped spinning. Even with the thought and belief that all of this is happening for a reason bigger than any of us, a lot doesn’t seem to make sense.
All the plans and dreams that form daily have collapsed. Every day I ask myself in what way we will be influenced. How much will change in our lives. 2020 seemed to be a year of new beginnings. Of bigger joys.
Perhaps those dreams lost their sense. Or perhaps the world needs to change in order to make them true.
During my passage here, I always felt a detachment. Even as the years pass, the disappointments continue. People don’t change. The feeling that I don’t belong anywhere, lingers on.
I’m tired. Fed up and sad. Will there really be no place for me? Is it really me who’s doing everything wrong? What have I done to deserve this? Do I really deserve better, or am I being ungrateful?
I always try to do what I think it’s right. I always try to think as much as possible about others. But it also doesn’t make sense that it’s expected not to have emotions. It doesn’t make sense to allow to be stepped on.
I spend my life trying to be something I’m not. Perfect. Always anguished for not achieving the balance between the me and all the rest. Between reason and emotion.
Once again, I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know where this path leads me, if I’ll feel loved and integrated in a near future, or if I’ll spend my life trying, unsuccessfully. When in doubt, I always try to understand what makes me feel good or bad, and walk from there.
I’m in a journey with my eyes closed. I don’t know where I am. I only hear the noises of the carriage, not knowing what is happening out there. It’s disconcerting. And annoying.
In some way, I think this feeling is general today. The day of tomorrow is uncertain. No one knows exactly the impact all of this will have. No one can even anticipate the future after the pandemic.
The world has seen many wars. This time, we are at war with ourselves. I ask myself if humanity will be capable of learning something. While most of us are shutting ourselves at home, Nature starts showing what it is without us. More than ever, perhaps people understand that the world doesn’t need us. It would even become healthier. We are the ones that need it.
And thus, that question comes back. Why does humanity exist? What is the purpose in having a civilization like ours here? If we knew at least how to use intelligence for good… We all know bad and know how to make it, but few choose to do good. And yes, without looking at who.
It’s not an easy world to live in. There’s so many lost and broken souls. It is true that many suffered and became examples of evilness, anguish, rage or hate. But don’t we suffer all? Isn’t that what pain should teach? To have compassion for others and not allow pain to be inflicted upon them? Deep down, we all choose who to be, no matter the sorrows we carry. Isn’t that what defines us? Whatever our part is in the world.
However, no matter how much I try to deliver myself and trust the natural course of things, I can’t help but wonder why there doesn’t always seem to be a return. You fight so much to reach a dream and you fail?
Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. Any B, C, D or E plan doesn’t even form in the mind. Everything stagnated around. The world, in fact, left us to the natural course. For some, there’s the possibility to act, for others and to me, the impotence arrived. Even if stopping is the action that saves us. Every day is difficult. And many bad days are coming.
If this will ever make sense some day? Probably. If one day I’ll read this and feel grateful for never giving up? Perhaps. Some say hope is the last to die. For me, perhaps. No matter how much it passes, I never stop believing. Something in me makes me believe everything falls into place, sooner or later. Perhaps thanks to the inspiration that insists in communicating with me. Telling me there’s something more, even if I can’t see it.
I will always believe. Even if all fails and everything looks like a darkness with no end.
I also believe in humankind.
18th March 2020
