Today it was one of those days. When something reminds us of the pain we try to overcome. Sometimes, when we evolve and learn to be happier again, we are struck by a memory of what we are fighting to forget.
Sometimes that emptiness returns. That hole in our heart. The feeling we wish we didn’t have, but that never left. The anguish, the sorrow, the hopelessness. The part that aches to breathe, to find its purpose, to find its place among the stars, in a messed-up world.
Was all that suffering in vain? Will the reward ever come? Should I keep hoping or should I let it go?
I used to love the night. The quiet, the fresh breeze. The silence, the moonlight.
Wondering at the stars.
Everyday it passes unnoticed. The sleep is so tight I forget it.
Sometimes it wants to come back. That fear, that abyss. The panic. A mix of uncertainty with sadness. For what happened and for how it still affects us.
Today I remembered of how lonely I feel. Even surrounded by love, companionship, and though I’ve managed to live a calmer life, a happier one, a more optimistic one. One where I’m looking forward the future, even though I don’t see one I understand.
But I still feel alone. God knows how much I love these souls and how I know how much they love me.
But beyond that…
Where do I fit in?
I don’t understand any of this. This world, these people.
Everything is messed up. And in the middle of that mess, I’m still looking for my tribe. The members of my family. Why is it so hard? Why am I here at all?
I’m quieter now. Not too much silence, not too cold, nor too dark. The lights stop me from seeing but two planets and the moon. The fresh air cleanses me, so as the beauty and simplicity of those three stellar bodies.
They remind me of you. Of you telling me I will be okay. That you love me dearly and will never let me be alone. And that in this short passage on Earth, I’ll learn that love can be found even in the darkest places.
4th July 2020
