The heart jumps in fear just waking out of sleep. A sound, a light, a word, or just the mind coming back is startling. The rhythm of the pulse is already accelerating, and I try to breathe calmly and say to myself “You’re ok. Nothing happened, you’re not in danger.” But the brain is so damaged, every rational thought is usually useless.
It doesn’t matter if you run, if you meditate, if you are on meds or if there’s no real danger. Everything frightens you! The day, the night. Staying at home, going outside. Being alone, being with loved ones. Doing something or doing nothing at all. Losing the breath or just breathe. Being or not being.
You suffer for all you endured. All the dramas and traumas. All the emotional pain. Even when you make peace with them, you’re never really at peace. You’re haunted by nightmares, where the mind reminds you of unfinished business in your life that you just want to bury and be done with. You worry for things that were, things that are, but most of all, for things that aren’t.
You worry about the day of tomorrow, even if it’s just a staying home day, because all you think of is “Am I going to be ok?” I find myself having anxiety thinking of the children I want to have because I’m terrified that they suffer the way I do. We create problems that aren’t real. I worry about the house I can’t yet buy. I worry about the money I still don’t have to spend. I worry about the trips I cannot go to. We practice the simplest talks in our heads for hours or even days even though we know for years that it’s not worth it. But maybe it helps clear out the mind of worrying. We don’t forget exactly to live the moment. The problem is that we’re living all of them right now. With all kinds of emotions in between.
And you’re too tired but you can’t sleep. Your own breath makes your heart jump. You think of the fights you had with friends and family, about things you wish you had said, about those you wish you didn’t. You think about your childhood. You try to understand why you suffer from anxiety, why do you always feel like you’re living on the edge. Did you suffer that much? Did you suffer more than others? Or you suffered the same, but your sensitivity made it more painful? Or maybe you are just like that. Are you weak for breaking down so easily? Or are you strong for dealing with so much and breaking is just a way to say you’ve been strong for too long?
You try to be thankful for all life brought you, even if you can only think of the blessing it is to have food, water, a home or the love of your pets. You feel guilty because you know how lucky you are, but you can’t stop feeling so terrible inside. Screaming or crying is useless. Nothing makes the fear go away. Oh, if crying helped at all… We’d leave all our scars open and let the blood drip away. We’d suffer them all again if only that would take fear away. Because of all the things that scare us, fear itself is the one thing that really scares us. Will I be afraid tomorrow? Will I feel the adrenaline rush? Will I have a good night of sleep? Will I be ok far from home? Will I be ok when I get back to bed?
The water is not scary. Nor the heights. Nor the wilds. Not even death scares. The only thing that freezes us is fear. Fear protects us and stops us from risking our lives for no reason. Anxiety makes us feel like we’re taking risks every day. Being alive is a risk.
Worst of all, anxiety scares us, not because we feel it. But because we don’t feel like ourselves. We limit our best of everything. We stop living.
We wonder if this is it. If this is all we are and ever will be.
It isn’t. All this shall pass. It might come back and forth. But it’ll pass.
Anxiety makes us feel like the weakest on heart.
In fact. We’re the strongest.
You are stronger than any other person. You are so brave! You dealt with so much and you’re still here, fighting against all odds. It hurts. Another day. Another crisis. Another moment wondering “why”. “Why do I have to go through this?”
Truth is I don’t know. But I’m proud. You should be proud. You should be proud because you’re still standing, and it comes to a moment that you ask, “is that all you got?”. It comes to a moment when all the pain, all the suffering, all the anxiety makes you realize that no one can break you. No one can tear you or your dreams apart. Because you’ve been through hell and back. You’ve been in that place where you desperately call out your loved ones in your mind and ask for their help. The despair is so much you just want to die for it to stop, because nothing seems to work. But you lingered on. You kept resisting yourself, your traps. You are your worst enemy. And if you know your enemy, everyone else, everything else poses no threat at all.
You are fierce, fearless, yes.
Love yourself. Be proud. You deserve a break. You deserve to disconnect for a while.
Take care of yourself. Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you’re going through.
Search for help. There’s no need to go through it all alone.
You are not alone.
You deserve that small bit of happiness and peace that comes with that snack, that walk, that relax watching a show.
You’ll be ok.
10th September 2020
